How Close?

Lately I find myself dealing or even wrestling with something in my heart.  In talking to other Christians, I find I am not the only one.  There is a battle going on inside of my heart and spirit concerning how close to Jesus I am willing to get.  I know I am a Christian.  I know Jesus has forgiven me.  I know He is my Savior, and I know more and more He is becoming my Lord.  Yet, in my spirt, my heart, my gut even I can't settle with that.

So what do I do?  A few Bible stories or passages come to mind to help me understand at least a little bit.  In Genesis 32 we read about Jacob wrestling with God and having his life transformed in that encounter.  The part of this story that always jumps out to me is in verse 24: 

So Jacob was left alone,and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.

Jacob didn't have his family or friends to tag in if he got tired.  This was one on one with God.  As much as I find myself wanting others to wrestle with God along with me, it is ultimately up to each person individually.  When you are a people person that can be so tough.  Is it truly worth it to go that far and maybe be alone in the process?  Important questions accompany this important battle and decision.

I also think of Paul's words to the Philippian church:


I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, ¹¹ and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.  ¹² Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:10-14

Sometimes I feel that strain in myself.  I want to know Him, but I also struggle with where I have been, where I am and what I may have to give up in order to know Him more.  Is it worth it to go closer and further, or is it ok to just settle for where I am at and be happy with that?  Tough questions.

Finally, I consider the picture painted by the prophet Ezekiel:

³ As the man went eastward with a measuring line in his hand, he measured off a thousand cubits and then led me through water that was ankle-deep. ⁴ He measured off another thousand cubits and led me through water that was knee-deep. He measured off another thousand and led me through water that was up to the waist. ⁵ He measured off another thousand, but now it was a river that I could not cross, because the water had risen and was deep enough to swim in—a river that no one could cross.  Ezekiel 47:3-5

As the river got deeper, man was forced to give up more control.  Is this the ultimate issue of the wrestling - letting go of control and letting God move me along by His Spirit?  Again, how much will I give up.  I often find that it isn't about having more of God, but it is about allowing Him to have more of me.  Will I do that?

So, here I find myself.  How close will I get to Christ?  Is it worth it?  My flesh screams NO! RUN!  Yet, my spirit and my heart screams I SURE HOPE TO FIND OUT.  This is a question each of us must answer.  

Some will choose to not go further and closer and the reality is that will be ok.  You don't HAVE to get closer, but the privilege is available.  All may draw close.  Not all will.  But there are some that simply must.